Suicide Chat Room

It’s absolutely infuriating when people say “you have to love yourself before anyone can love you”. I feel so guilty for everything I’ve done, and everything I’ll never do. I hope it doesn’t end like this, with me feeling bad for everything and nothing at the same time. Maybe I am just mad because despite how much time goes by, I’ll never be good enough. I will never be able to hold myself together. There’s no do-over. I have to accept I can’t pick up the parts that are lost forever.

I’m scared to express how I feel. Some people have everything in life I could only dream of. I wish they would go away. Being mentally healthy is such a privilege. Traveling to a different country every year is a privilege.  People post this crap online and then talk about how “everyone has struggles”. No they don’t, you don’t struggle. You’ll never know what it means. The happiest people I’ve seen, have no idea what it means. It’s easy to breeze around and do whatever you want when you’ve never been stopped. It’s easy to always speak your mind when you’ve never been silenced. It’s easy to pretend you know something, when you know nothing. When you have no awareness you are completely unaware to how stupid and ignorant you sound. I wish for the world to be flipped. I want the ones who have everything handed to them on a golden platter to have nothing, not even safety. I want to cool kids to no longer be cool. I want the world completely opposite to how I was raised. People are so a...

 Who are we? Who are any of but a reaction to our past experiences. People have different reactions to things based on different past experiences. People don’t understand me because they don’t know what I know and it makes me feel crazy that nobody else understands the things I do. They don’t even try. I always used to ask myself “why me”…  What do you think is the worst thing about yourself?  I used to hate my looks but now I hate the fear and anxiety I have. I hate being controlled by fear. I spent so much time trying to be something, knowing I’ll never be good enough. Anxious and regret about the past is something I still struggle with. I really wish I knew a way to make it stop. It feels like I can’t end until I can overcome that stuff. Not having friends or community is really all I’ve ever known. It’s been hard for me to find “my people”. Could it be that I don’t have “my people”? Or has this harsh world crushed them all and taken them away, leaving me to survive on...

 There’s so many fandoms online, so many bands, so many forums and communities, so many recipes. So here I am at 3 in the morning on TikTok. I see this recipe for roasted garlic pasta and it got me thinking. I will never make this, it looks great but I will never make this. I can’t, I can’t go to the store and buy the special equipment and ingredients because it would cost money I don’t have. I have no aspirations and no desires anymore. So many things exist, sometimes I think about what could’ve done and who I could’ve been.  They never listen, they ruined my life. So now I'll never have a life all because I wasn't one of the lucky ones. I'll never be married, never have kids, never succeed in any career. I’m never pretty enough, smart enough, or good enough, and I never will be. Some people are loved and adored no matter how terrible they are. Loneliness is so demotivating because even when I go out and do simple things, I just don’t like it because there’s nobody to shar...

People lie way too much. People love to portray themselves as "friendless" online, but in reality that's rarely ever the case.  On one social media someone might try to portray that way, and on another is out partying every weekend with friends. Everything I've posted about my situation is true so I’m really bummed about all these people who I’ve talked with who lied to me. There was a time I would have joined a cult, anything to just have a community and people who would at least pretend to care about me. But I realized none of them would want me, I have no money. In their eyes I have zero value. That explains basically my whole school experience. I would sit there, learning nothing, go home. I know my mom must regret having me, of course she does. I can barely do anything. I’ve had times where I was in bed for days. I barely ate because I didn’t want to cook and clean up. Everything is too difficult, why can’t someone just make decisions for me? What am I supposed t...

 We have some owls where I live. Unfortunately there aren’t many other birds because my stupid neighbors leave out food for stray cats. This has bad because cats are responsible for wiping out many bird species and this bothers me a lot.  There’s articles about how bad cats are for the environment. Cats are one of the main reasons so many smaller animals in Australia are doing endangered, and people don’t care. Cat owners don’t care about any of this, all they care about is their stupid cat, which they call a “fur baby”.  *barf*

It’s weird to be alone in the world. I’m made to feel crazy because I’m alone with my thoughts. It’s difficult knowing you are right about things, but wishing you were wrong. When it comes to society, I hate living around selfish people who don’t care about anything but themselves. Sorry! I’ve always been a caring person which has been a part of my downfall, because our culture doesn’t reward good people. As a kid I think I would daydream too much because I was bored or sad. I always thought I was made to do great things. I used to think I was in a mentally “stunted” place because I haven’t had the same experiences as normal people, but now I’m unsure because normal people online, (mostly millennials) are calling themselves 30 year old children. Cringe Meanwhile here I am drained of my aspirations because of people crushing me and my soul. I guess my expectations were too high, of people, and the world. Sorry! I guess I was stupid for trying to see the positive in the negative. I’m str...

You know it’s a strange thing, I’ve always had a hateful relationship with the sun. I think it’s because there’s more people out in the daytime and I don’t like the idea of people looking at me or following me. I know people see me and can get the vibe I’m different. It’s just a thought that doesn’t really matter at the end. I think I just care too much about people who don’t care about me. This always bleeds into other things because I always cared about protecting animals and wildlife. I guess this is a rare quality most people don’t have these days  I feel terrible. When my symptoms get bad all I want is for someone to hold me. But maybe I need to stop wanting that. When I have had romantic dreams, which is rarely, I wake up and feel sad. I know that no man would ever love me like that. Because of the way my life is. Even trying to make friends is very difficult because everyone I talk to has so much more going on with their lives then me. I guess it makes people see me as dispo...

I wish I could say I have a more interesting life. I don’t have hobbies or activities I enjoy. My life has been dull and uneventful. Maybe this is why I hate the holidays. The weird thing is I’ve always been strangely positive, and hopefully. I hate it when people say “just take it one day at a time”. It’s hard for me to come to terms with the fact I’m alone. The thing is, I’m more similar irl to how I am online. I don’t really lie about things I’ve posted, I know some people exaggerate their experiences but I haven’t. The stuff I’ve talked about is unfortunately the truth. I don’t have anybody to help me out of this situation I’m in. It feels like never ending hell I’m trapped in with no escape. It’s like being in a cave that got buried with rocks that finally caved in. I always felt like I wasn’t asking for much in life, but as time goes on I get worse and my hope rots away and makes me mentally in a lower place. I’m pretty good at not letting my emotions affect people around me. Whe...

 I was on TikTok and a woman said this “ You always think it will never be you, until it is”. So there’s this trend of a woman saying men don’t love women, other women respond saying they don’t believe her. “Disney sells a lie that a hero will come save you” said another woman. I don’t know, some of it makes sense I mean in general I wouldn’t say most men would like me. It’s definitely really difficult being told by the media and society that the only thing that matters is your looks as a woman. I have seen ugly men be comedians, actors, musicians. When a man is fat or ugly that’s not a part of his personality, I noticed with women it always becomes part of you. That’s really weird, but this is why I don’t have a problem with the fact that I’m average looking. I stopped wearing makeup after I moved and a bunch of stuff got “lost”. Whatever. I don’t know, maybe that lady on TikTok right. It doesn’t really matter though, I know that nobody would save me. People haven’t treated me goo...

Cut me off again, this is not a real friend.  You didn’t even follow me back on TikTok. Time and time again, years without friends. Growing up I thought the problem was me. I thought I was weird. I thought I was stupid. I thought there was something wrong with me. I had a feeling I was different. People were mean. I try and have tried, time and time again. My optimism is pretty dead now. This is humanity I guess. Not much to be proud of, and not much to be optimistic about. I try to remind myself that the issue is human nature and that I’m not crazy.  It isn’t all in my head.

I think in the most simplistic explanation, most people on Reddit are either complete assholes, political spergs, or addicted to some creepy fetish p*rn.  There’s barely anybody who is just friendly, chill, or honest. I have given my discord to at least 10 people, 1 man, all the rest women, so far only 1 still talks to me. Everyone else was creepy or they make up lies about their situation and want me to be their free therapist (with no compensation) and then unfriend me after they get bored. Anyways this is just something I’m putting out there because Reddit doesn’t receive the backlash it deserves. First off, every community on Reddit for lonely people or friendless people is filled with misogyny. These communities all overlap with the NEET community. They all HATE women with a passion. What is that about anyways? If you aren’t in school and aren’t sure about work and what to do with your life, why does hating women become a main part of your personality? Weirdly enough most of t...

False hope really is the worst. I cant describe the disappointment.  It’s been 3 years and nothing has gotten better, why am I still here? I tell people the truth, they lie, it’s an endless cycle. So here’s the truth, it’s never going to get better.  Save this note. Set your soul free by being a minimalist, and having nothing to lose. Because let’s be real, nobody cares about you, not even yourself. Abandon false hope in the same way it abandoned you.

I posted something online recently about my dire situation. Someone responded to me saying that I should talk to someone “normal” rather than someone like myself. LMAO 😂  My response to that is that… I have. Want to know what happened? They wasted my time, lied to me, and therefore made my situation much much worse. So no, no more. I’m fucking done giving grace to “normal” people. Normal people are terrible! And I hate them very much in fact. Why do they lie so much? Seriously what is with that? If you can’t be honest with me just go away, what a waste of time. You don’t even know how to engage in basic communication. I’m not a social butterfly but it’s not that damn difficult to just be honest! Well I guess it is with normal people. So no thanks, I’m done with them.

  Cult noun, definition : a relatively small group of people having beliefs or practices, especially relating to religion, that are regarded by others as strange or sinister or as imposing excessive control over members. Wikipedia says this : cults are social groups which have unusual, and often extreme, religious, spiritual, or philosophical beliefs and rituals. Extreme devotion to a particular person, object, or goal is another characteristic often ascribed to cults. The term has different, and sometimes divergent or pejorative, definitions both in popular culture and academia and has been an ongoing source of contention among scholars across several fields of study. The word "cult" is derived from the Latin term  cultus , which means worship. In modern English the term  cult  is generally a pejorative, carrying derogatory connotations. The term is variously applied to abusive or coercive groups of many categories, including gangs, organized crime, and terro...

I just learned a Japanese word recently, burikko. This is connected to Japanese culture and women who act childish for attention from sweaty gross men. I’m not a fan of this stuff at all. I actually hate anime with a passion.  I grew up watching the same things everyone has heard of like Death Note and Soul Eater. They were good, I enjoyed them. But most anime isn’t Death Note you know, it’s more of just… porn. And I don’t enjoy that. Most of Japanese culture is just… that. It’s having no empathy whatsoever for girls. It’s normalizing things that shouldn’t be legal. It’s desensitization. That’s what anime is, and that’s why it’s so popular, it’s filled with propaganda just like porn. There was an anime I remember watching when I was 14 and it was called Elfen Lied and at the time I thought the nudity was a bit much, even more-so now. There was also a reference to cousin relationships, something I didn’t notice when I first watched the show. So this is my issue with anime. Sure the ...

Some people turn to religion in dark moments. But for me, multiple dark moments are what got me to leave.  For context I grew up somewhat religious. One of my family members was a very avid church goer. I believe at one point she literally worked with nuns. Growing up I went to church, i was baptized, I wore a rosary around my neck (I know that’s not how they work. If you don’t know, rosaries are for praying they aren’t necklaces). I stopped believing in god around 11 or 12, but I really wanted to believe, so I kind of struggled with it and went back and forth. I officially realized I was wrong when I was 14, and I was sad about it. SO MANY women will say they feel happy and relieved after leaving religion, and I get it, I really do. But I was one of the few who was deeply saddened by the realization I was duped. I fell for an old lie, a scam, a made up fairytale made by misogynistic men hundreds of years ago. How stupid am I? But that’s not it… I really wanted to believe in it so ...

“Every second that I am not being my authentic self, I am wasting my damn time” this is something I heard today.  This reminded me of the fact I don’t know who I am, as I don’t have any aspirations anymore. I have nothing in my life that brings me joy. This isn’t who I want to be. This isn’t what I want to be doing. This has been my entire life. Therefore, I have never had a life because none of this is the real me. 😕

I woke up last night and my brain reminded me of how long I have been in this bad situation. I hate when that happens. I hate when I’m reminded of my hopeless situation. It’s bad enough being me, being here. But to be reminded of it by my subconscious mind, that’s another stress I don’t want. I am reminded of my regret to stand up for myself, and to advocate for myself and my wellbeing. Why do I feel like I’m so far behind everyone else mentally? Is it really me that’s the problem? Or was it my unique circumstances that brought me here? Why does everybody else receive love and attention even when they are the ones clearly in the wrong? Am I really just meant to never be happy, or loved, or cared about in any way? If that’s the case, as it seems to be, judging by my entire life, then why the hell do I still continue to be nice or compliant with anyone? I don’t think the average person would be me if they were in my situation. But again, all this circles back to me and my cluelessness on...

I think the first time I searched for anything online involving suicide was when I was 11, maybe 12. At the time I thought things would get better… Newsflash, they didn’t. I feel like I didn’t have the start in life I needed, as I was struggling heavily before I was a teenager. Now I’m at the point where I can never have the life I wished for, and all I wished for was a normal life. I wanted to have friends and date. I actually wanted to get married young (which I know is weird to most people). You have to face reality at some point though, and I’m at that point. I’ve tried avoiding it my entire life but I can’t anymore. I thought about ending my life when I was 12, but I didn’t know how. I should start off by saying I’m not very smart, and at this age I was going through my ugly phase, so boys were very mean to me. Actually a lot of kids were. I didn’t experience anything extreme, but I still have nightmares to this day about my childhood school experience. I wish I could get a redo i...