Suicide Chat Room

 Today’s world is just so corrupted and I am tired of this. I often find myself asking what it was I did to end up here. What was it that denied me the chance to live life normally? I lost everyone before I was at my lowest, and now that I have no hobbies or passions, I’m aware my wishes and dreams I once had will never be fulfilled, not even halfway. There are times where I try to do what I can to have a little bit of energy, and I think maybe I can get back what was taken from me, but I can’t. I can never get back that time I lost. I can’t get back the naive way I used to think, that there were good people in this world. That there was someone out there for me. It’s not just that I’ve fallen behind, I was always behind. I was never going to do well because people just don’t care about me. They didn’t care then, they don’t care now, they won’t care in the future. I’m too scared at the lack of options/variables. Sure maybe I struggle to open up about myself. Even behind a screen I ...

So I started this blog because of obvious reasons. No friends, no support system, etc. I’m sorry life has to be this way where some of us can’t get any help. Once you get into a bad place you can’t escape it. Sometime I wonder I wonder if it’s better to live with the delusion of hope that things will get better, or to live with the reality check that life will get worse. I always get ignored and left out in conversations. In the end I am in limbo, and it’s been going on for years and will only continue to get worse. I used to be ready to catch the bus because I believed in the fairy tale of religion. When you go through life without anyone to count on in your darkest moments, it definitely changes you to become worse mentally. I always had bad anxiety when i was a kid. I don’t remember when it started but I remember feeling really alone for the first time at 11. I remember telling myself that things will probably improve in the future. Now I feel like I missed out on some kind of oppor...

Bad thoughts, I feel like there aren’t alternatives. It’s too soon for me to leave. I haven’t experienced much.  I have nobody to speak to. I go online. I lay down for a moment of rest and feel terrible. I wish for the night are to be over.  I suck at everything. Everything I do is wrong, every decision I make or every decision I don’t make it wrong. I don’t want to endure anymore. I want people to understood how I feel. I wish someone wanted to love me like I want to love someone. I wish I wasn’t alone in this life. If I do nothing, it will get worse. If I do something, at least I can say I tried something.  I have wondered if being alone in nature by myself can help take my mind off everything. All the things that have happened to me and the pain I feel. Is it the call of the void? Or something else… It’s difficult to describe the feeling one experiences after failing, it can be difficult to process. What am I waiting for? Sometimes I don’t even know.  I’m feeling ...