About me

So I started this blog because of obvious reasons. No friends, no support system, etc.

I’m sorry life has to be this way where some of us can’t get any help.

Once you get into a bad place you can’t escape it. Sometime I wonder I wonder if it’s better to live with the delusion of hope that things will get better, or to live with the reality check that life will get worse. I always get ignored and left out in conversations. In the end I am in limbo, and it’s been going on for years and will only continue to get worse. I used to be ready to catch the bus because I believed in the fairy tale of religion. When you go through life without anyone to count on in your darkest moments, it definitely changes you to become worse mentally. I always had bad anxiety when i was a kid. I don’t remember when it started but I remember feeling really alone for the first time at 11. I remember telling myself that things will probably improve in the future. Now I feel like I missed out on some kind of opportunity. The feeling like you are going to pass away when you aren’t, it feels so scary. I wish someone would listen to me, all my life people ignore me or talk over me. I don’t have ups and downs because I don’t have anything to ever look forward to. I’m just surviving. I hate having to tell myself that I’m fine and to not freak out…

I’ll never have someone here to hold me and hug me in my darkest moments.

I hate thinking about the past because I start feeling like I’m crying lightning.

I feel annoying complaining about the same stuff over and over.

Fucked up day. Fucked up life. Fucked up brain.

All i ever see is people online saying "depression is smiling and having friends around you".. NO IT ISNT. I'm so tired of people with great lives trying to pretend they have it bad. People who get invited out on the weekends and have kids and are married can’t understand. Theres nothing these people have to be depressed about. It's like an accessory they can wear for attention. Real depression is knowing nobody cares to save you from anything. You have to struggle alone. You have nightmares alone, you try reaching out to people and making friends to be ignored, because nobody wants to be around someone who's friendless. That's what depression is like. I don't even like saying i have depression because of how the word has been watered down to basically mean "I have bad days sometimes". I think there are too many people who think depression is like a tampon commercial where people are running around doing sports and dancing. That’s not it. I’m talking about a broad issue, because it’s been mainstream for a while now for people to cosplay as depressed or whatever and make “jokes” about it like it’s an edgy thing to do. This stuff has always bothered me. All I've been told my whole life is that I’m too quiet. I just feel like the world isn’t really for people like me. I could become homeless and turn to drugs and become a zombie, but then I’d be more susceptible to the evils of humanity. I have often found myself asking “how did I get here”. I hate to say it but I’m just not very smart. 

I really believed the lie of “it will get better”. Most of my life I’ve been ignored. Everything was always put onto me to do the work by myself, I can’t count on anyone for help. I don’t know what people want from me. Sometimes I feel cursed when so many things go wrong that it cannot be a coincidence anymore. Sometimes I wonder how my life would’ve turned out if I was a boy. It’s much easier to find community if you are a man. Whether you are lonely, a virgin, feeling ostracized, alone, ugly, etc. It feels useless trying because men won’t accept me because I’m not one of them, and women aren’t always the most friendly, at least from my experience. A lot of women will make comments that scare me, especially on Reddit, a place I previously used for trying to make new friends. There’s this place I used to frequent known as “forever alone women” where the women were saying things like that they wish they had to worry about being cat called and harassed. It made me feel sick. Sure some of them might have been men hiding behind fake accounts, it just feels like every community where being a virgin or having no friends is the topic there’s more misogynistic people then people who actually want to improve or make friends. It makes me not feel sorry for those people anymore and feel differently about trying to talk to them.

Some experiences have affected me in ways I’ll probably never understand. This world is harsh, I am sad there’s not enough love. I just want to experience being normal and feeling happy for 1 year. I would love to know what it’s like to be normal, just for once. Yet here I am. What the hell am I doing wrong? I am tired of nobody caring. Im tired of being able to barely survive. I have no hope of getting better, yet here I am, completely frozen. Overwhelmed and underwhelmed at the same time. I am a blank canvas waiting eagerly to be painted. I am fear itself, unable to move, because if I move I am in trouble. But if I stay I am punished for that too.

Everybody else around me seems to be succeeding at everything while I’m always left behind, I’m never chosen. I never get my time to experience happiness. It’s unfair, but this is how it is. It feels like a curse.

I don’t remember where it started, but I always had serious self-esteem issues. I got tired of seeing my reflection. I would feel ashamed, depressed, disappointed, because it’s not just a pale face. It’s not just the dark circles under my eyes. I’m looking at a face that’s been traumatized, defeated, drained of all happiness. I only remember being called ugly one time in school, so it’s not that I’m hyper focused on that moment. It’s not the 5 or 10 times people made rude comments about my hair or eyebrows. It’s totally about me. It’s my shame in being in this human body. A human body that is told to be aesthetically pleasing to people who hate it. So many people don’t understand what it’s like having true low self esteem, because this to me is the truest form I have ever heard someone articulate. I hate myself, I hate that I’m not smart enough, I hate that I’m not good enough. When I have failed at life, it’s hard to look at myself and feel good. I’m not ugly. But that’s not the point. That’s never been the point. 

When I’ve failed at everything in life I can’t feel good looking at myself.