Suicide Chat Room ~ my experience

I think the first time I searched for anything online involving suicide was when I was 11, maybe 12. At the time I thought things would get better…

Newsflash, they didn’t.

I feel like I didn’t have the start in life I needed, as I was struggling heavily before I was a teenager. Now I’m at the point where I can never have the life I wished for, and all I wished for was a normal life. I wanted to have friends and date. I actually wanted to get married young (which I know is weird to most people). You have to face reality at some point though, and I’m at that point. I’ve tried avoiding it my entire life but I can’t anymore. I thought about ending my life when I was 12, but I didn’t know how. I should start off by saying I’m not very smart, and at this age I was going through my ugly phase, so boys were very mean to me. Actually a lot of kids were. I didn’t experience anything extreme, but I still have nightmares to this day about my childhood school experience. I wish I could get a redo in life or something. This is all just so unfair. I was a nice kid. I would’ve done anything to trade lives with a normal person my age. But I can’t go back, and I need to stop living in the past. 

The nightmares never end though, the loneliness doesn’t either. Things didn’t get better, and they never will. There’s no options left for me. I need help and I don’t know where to look. I need to find someone like me because nobody else understands this growing anger I have.

I don’t want to be lonely and mad at myself anymore, and I don’t want to see evil things continue happening in this world I live in.

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