Wish granted

I know I can’t turn back…

But I wanted to get this out of my mind. My ideal life if I got what I wanted, where I would be. I think about the person I could have been. If I was able to be who I want, if I had the things I want. 

Even if I didn’t have everything I wanted. If I had just a friend. The things I could have done. It sounds cringe to say “partners in crime” but I think of someone I would treat as my twin, my mini me. Someone I could go on adventures with. But why does everything I want feel unattainable?

Sometimes I feel like I’m in an open air mental asylum or an open air prison. Even if I leave can I ever really leave? There’s terrible people everywhere. It’s not like I can hop on a plane and go live where everyone is nice and friendly and honest. If such a place exists, it’s too expensive for someone like me…

and worst of all… I wonder if it’s too late for me.

Maybe I just wish people were better. Maybe it’s really that simple, but it also isn’t because humans are complex and confusing and everyone is wearing invisible clown makeup and a check for their shitty acting.

I’m not a magical fairy I can’t create energy and a will to thrive off of nothing. I can’t even get energy from these stupid caffeine powder packets I have. It’s so incredibly unfair how everything I try is annoying and a waste of time, especially the general population. What robots people are.

I’m constantly spaced out and sometimes I can’t even believe that this is my life.

I’m just some nobody. I hate that I’m all alone in this world. At this point I wouldn’t know what to wish for if I could. Being alive in this situation I am in has been the most dangerous situation I have ever been in. I cant look after myself properly. I really have no reason to be here. I don’t remember the last time I enjoyed anything. I don’t understand people and have never had any close intimate “relationship” and can’t see that happening in the future. I feel guilty. I can’t deal with life, I can’t afford life, I can’t get anything out of all this and I want to just go. I really feel like I’m stuck in an impossible position, and I have no idea what to do. I try to get through on day at a time, sometimes just one hour at a time as I can’t comprehend the idea I will still be in this situation next week, or next month, or next year.

Maybe that’s my wish, I wish for this to finally be over.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Suicide Chat Room ~ my experience

I think the first time I searched for anything online involving suicide was when I was 11, maybe 12. At the time I thought things would get better… Newsflash, they didn’t. I feel like I didn’t have the start in life I needed, as I was struggling heavily before I was a teenager. Now I’m at the point where I can never have the life I wished for, and all I wished for was a normal life. I wanted to have friends and date. I actually wanted to get married young (which I know is weird to most people). You have to face reality at some point though, and I’m at that point. I’ve tried avoiding it my entire life but I can’t anymore. I thought about ending my life when I was 12, but I didn’t know how. I should start off by saying I’m not very smart, and at this age I was going through my ugly phase, so boys were very mean to me. Actually a lot of kids were. I didn’t experience anything extreme, but I still have nightmares to this day about my childhood school experience. I wish I could get a redo i...
Read more

I feel like the only person in the world who doesn’t like cats

 We have some owls where I live. Unfortunately there aren’t many other birds because my stupid neighbors leave out food for stray cats. This has bad because cats are responsible for wiping out many bird species and this bothers me a lot.  There’s articles about how bad cats are for the environment. Cats are one of the main reasons so many smaller animals in Australia are doing endangered, and people don’t care. Cat owners don’t care about any of this, all they care about is their stupid cat, which they call a “fur baby”.  *barf*
Read more

time and time again (short misanthropy poem)

Cut me off again, this is not a real friend.  You didn’t even follow me back on TikTok. Time and time again, years without friends. Growing up I thought the problem was me. I thought I was weird. I thought I was stupid. I thought there was something wrong with me. I had a feeling I was different. People were mean. I try and have tried, time and time again. My optimism is pretty dead now. This is humanity I guess. Not much to be proud of, and not much to be optimistic about. I try to remind myself that the issue is human nature and that I’m not crazy.  It isn’t all in my head.
Read more