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Bad thoughts, I feel like there aren’t alternatives. It’s too soon for me to leave. I haven’t experienced much.
I have nobody to speak to. I go online. I lay down for a moment of rest and feel terrible. I wish for the night are to be over.
I suck at everything. Everything I do is wrong, every decision I make or every decision I don’t make it wrong. I don’t want to endure anymore. I want people to understood how I feel. I wish someone wanted to love me like I want to love someone. I wish I wasn’t alone in this life. If I do nothing, it will get worse. If I do something, at least I can say I tried something.
I have wondered if being alone in nature by myself can help take my mind off everything. All the things that have happened to me and the pain I feel. Is it the call of the void? Or something else…
It’s difficult to describe the feeling one experiences after failing, it can be difficult to process.
What am I waiting for? Sometimes I don’t even know.
I’m feeling stuck in purgatory while everyone passes me by.
One day I thought I had found a place, but I was wrong.
I’m ready for help but there is none.
There is no place for me, either on here on the internet or outside it.
My observation is that most people I’ve talked to are gone.
I feel like I’m losing myself. Everyone is gone. I’m incredibly unlucky.
Time and time again:
Cut me off again, this is not a real friend.
It seems I have encountered a lot of them. They suck the energy out of everything, energy thieves.
You get to the point you only want to sleep.
From an early age I had no clear idea how life is supposed to work. My choices were based on fear, anxiety, and confusion. It’s not fun to desire being accepted and failing. I envy normal people. They put in no effort and get everything. That must be really nice. Another thing is religious people, like what even are they on about when they say “God has a plan”. Why can’t I be gullible enough to believe that? That’s really a straight connection to the phrase “ignorance is bliss” which is definitely true. Sometimes I hate knowing what I know. I hate knowing I’ll never be normal. I’ll never have the opportunity to experience love at a young age or a high school sweetheart. I’ll never be able to have serenity and true happiness.
But no more, I have to be mature about my situation. Why is this so hard? Whenever I try to think of what I could’ve had or what I think would make me happy, my logical side comes through.
The logical side says “no that’s never going to happen and you know it. Face reality”. Truthfully it hurts to be broken, unfixable, and the only solution you see is to fade away and disappear. Despite this, my brain still tells me lies because that’s hope, and hope is hard to overcome with logic and reality. Sure I hope things get better, but logically will they? Will a magic fairy swoop in and save me? No.
Maybe it’s me, maybe I give off a permanent pushover vibe, which is much worse than the old school “freak show tourist attraction” vibe. That vibe was so beautiful.
I am honest and caring, but that doesn’t count for anything. If I go by the logic that I was likable, pretty, normal, I would have friends, something normal. Since I don’t have that, I know what I am not.
Often I have been made to feel like I don’t deserve anything. I recall my mom calling me spoiled, throwing out my cool clothes one day when I wasn’t home.
I know I can’t turn back…
But I wanted to get this out of my mind. My ideal life if I got what I wanted, where I would be. I think about the person I could have been. If I was able to be who I want, if I had the things I want.
Even if I didn’t have everything I wanted. If I had just a friend. The things I could have done. It sounds cringe to say “partners in crime” but I think of someone I would treat as my twin, my mini me. Someone I could go on adventures with. But why does everything I want feel unattainable?
Sometimes I feel like I’m in an open air mental asylum or an open air prison. Even if I leave can I ever really leave? There’s terrible people everywhere. It’s not like I can hop on a plane and go live where everyone is nice and friendly and honest. If such a place exists, it’s too expensive for someone like me…
and worst of all… I wonder if it’s too late for me.
Maybe I just wish people were better. Maybe it’s really that simple, but it also isn’t because humans are complex and confusing and everyone is wearing invisible clown makeup and a check for their shitty acting.
I’m not a magical fairy I can’t create energy and a will to thrive off of nothing. I can’t even get energy from these stupid caffeine powder packets I have. It’s so incredibly unfair how everything I try is annoying and a waste of time, especially the general population. What robots people are.
I’m constantly spaced out and sometimes I can’t even believe that this is my life.
I’m just some nobody. I hate that I’m all alone in this world. At this point I wouldn’t know what to wish for if I could. Being alive in this situation I am in has been the most dangerous situation I have ever been in. I cant look after myself properly. I really have no reason to be here. I don’t remember the last time I enjoyed anything. I don’t understand people and have never had any close intimate “relationship” and can’t see that happening in the future. I feel guilty. I can’t deal with life, I can’t afford life, I can’t get anything out of all this and I want to just go. I really feel like I’m stuck in an impossible position, and I have no idea what to do. I try to get through on day at a time, sometimes just one hour at a time as I can’t comprehend the idea I will still be in this situation next week, or next month, or next year.
Maybe that’s my wish, I wish for this to finally be over.
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