Fade Away (ranting)

 It seems I have encountered a lot of them. They suck the energy out of everything, energy thieves.

You get to the point you only want to sleep.

From an early age I had no clear idea how life is supposed to work. My choices were based on fear, anxiety, and confusion. It’s not fun to desire being accepted and failing. I envy normal people. They put in no effort and get everything. That must be really nice. Another thing is religious people, like what even are they on about when they say “God has a plan”. Why can’t I be gullible enough to believe that? That’s really a straight connection to the phrase “ignorance is bliss” which is definitely true. Sometimes I hate knowing what I know. I hate knowing I’ll never be normal. I’ll never have the opportunity to experience love at a young age or a high school sweetheart. I’ll never be able to have serenity and true happiness.

But no more, I have to be mature about my situation. Why is this so hard? Whenever I try to think of what I could’ve had or what I think would make me happy, my logical side comes through.

The logical side says “no that’s never going to happen and you know it. Face reality”. Truthfully it hurts to be broken, unfixable, and the only solution you see is to fade away and disappear. Despite this, my brain still tells me lies because that’s hope, and hope is hard to overcome with logic and reality. Sure I hope things get better, but logically will they? Will a magic fairy swoop in and save me? No.

Maybe it’s me, maybe I give off a permanent pushover vibe, which is much worse than the old school “freak show tourist attraction” vibe. That vibe was so beautiful.

I am honest and caring, but that doesn’t count for anything. If I go by the logic that I was likable, pretty, normal, I would have friends, something normal. Since I don’t have that, I know what I am not.

Often I have been made to feel like I don’t deserve anything. I recall my mom calling me spoiled, throwing out my cool clothes one day when I wasn’t home.