Everyone abandons you after ruining you

the worst thing about being in this situation is everyone abandons you..

Even if it’s quiet.

Every single creature strives for life in one way or the other.

I often wonder if the damage has already done.

There’s certain people who deal with pain differently. There’s certain people who can’t deal with pain at all.

Then there’s people who don’t even know what it’s like to be happy.

When you forget what happiness is, you forget who you are.

Being a literal shell. A shell with nothing. It used to be something, but when everyone abandons you, you abandon yourself too because you have been told that who you are isn’t correct.

Milestones are non existent to me. I don’t how to do anything, and I feel like a broken person. It makes me angry, I hate me. I wonder if forgetting my past would fix me or if I’d end up in the same place again.

I’ve tried so hard to make a community of some kind but it doesn’t work because people I’ve talked with always have friends, and there’s loser me, all alone. Where the hell are my people?

Losing hope is terrifying. Reality is terrifying.

How can I get over the grief of what could have been?

I want to believe I had potential at some point.

I’m not just my DNA and a product of my environment. Maybe others are, but that’s not all I am.

It hurts because I have always felt like a failure, and I am one. What if I never get past being this way?

I think about people who re-invent themselves.

Nobody gets it. I don’t want money in life. When you want something real, most people don’t understand, they just want stuff. To me that’s what money is, stuff. What am I supposed to do with money? Buy a giant house? 

Trendy trendy

It’s like people who pretend to be depressed posting suicid memes because they are trying to be edgy and quirky.

Meanwhile I am just here trying to remember who I used to be before I became a shell with nothing inside.

I’m not good at expressing myself. I have tried and every time it’s not received very well. It’s hard to express yourself when you know the people you are speaking to don’t get it and never truly will.

I think of this quote by Sylvia Plath  "I want to live and feel all the shades, tones, and variations of mental and physical experience possible in my life. And I am horribly limited."

I still fantasize of what my life could be like if I was normal. I made up this whole universe in my head where I could live out my dreams. How sad, I never got close to living any of them in reality.

I can’t find anything or anybody in the giant world who understands.

I have been to multiple depression forums and everything in between and there’s a consistency with the users being quite normal. People would always mention how they’d never end their life because of friends and family. Seeing that over and over made me feel terrible.