Short journal entries

Forgetting:

Sometimes i wonder if forgetting my past would fix me, or if i'd end back up in the same place again.

I am smiling no more. Being lonely is one of the things that brought me here. I struggle with just talking to people, nobody will ever choose me and it's because they see what i am, a loser. I thought about making a video about my situation on tiktok but I'm so scared of speaking about it for some reason. It's hard, but it's refreshing to see pretty women dealing with being alone as well. I still feel lesser than them because i don't have friends either.

I stopped going out because i hate seeing couples and happy people. Being alone is something i've always experienced, i feel like a failure. And the thing is it hurts because i really would love to have a family but that will never happen, why cant i just accept defeat...

For years I've seen posts like this: a picture/video of a guy smiling/laughing with the caption "This father of 3 is seen smiling on vacation with his friends in Hawaii ended his life!!!! This is what depression looks like !!!!".. No it doesn't! I am so livid it makes me want to scream cry.

Seasonal depression:

When I’m angry I think about the moon. I used to love going outside at night and looking at the moon. I prefer the night over the day, I prefer the winter over the summer. The only thing that bothers me about the cold is not having someone to cuddle with, along with seeing people online talk about “seasonal”. You know those people who are only sad because they aren’t getting any vitamin D. It’s so annoying to hear that someone can just take some vitamins or vacation in a warm area and be fine. Meanwhile here I am, not able to go places others go, just staring at the moon over the sea 🌙 

A silent voice:

I have no true friends so I ended up isolating myself and giving up for a while. It's rough out here when you have nobody. Then when I go online on social media, i see people claiming they are depressed and have no friends and then weekend after weekend posting photos out partying, it's just so cruel and hurtful. I've struggled with toaster bathtub thoughts since I was 11, they come and go. But at times this was a daily struggle for me. I just want to experience a normal life for once you know? Just so I know what it's like, because I have no reference. Im not saying this as a complaint about Gen-Z, social media is needed for certain people. I first went on social media at 11. I don't know what I would've done without it. I don't have any friends so following weird people on YouTube was the best I could get. I’m not sure what I would've done if I was born in a different time. I could see myself as a cowgirl. One of my childhood Disney movies I loved is called Holes, this is one of my favorites scenes. The blonde woman ended her life because the man she loved was murdered. I've never felt love before, yet I relate a lot to this scene. The money wasn't enough to fill the emptiness inside. It reminds me of people online who say they wouldn't feel lonely and their lives would be complete if they just won the lottery. It makes me think back to this movie. I feel like I missed out on a lot of normal life experiences, and I worry I will never be able to make up those lost moments. Sometimes I have felt like I deserved a relationship, but I wouldn’t want to burden anyone, which apparently is something I do, because everyone makes me feel this way. 

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