Catching the bus is my destiny?

 Today’s world is just so corrupted and I am tired of this. I often find myself asking what it was I did to end up here. What was it that denied me the chance to live life normally? I lost everyone before I was at my lowest, and now that I have no hobbies or passions, I’m aware my wishes and dreams I once had will never be fulfilled, not even halfway.

There are times where I try to do what I can to have a little bit of energy, and I think maybe I can get back what was taken from me, but I can’t. I can never get back that time I lost. I can’t get back the naive way I used to think, that there were good people in this world. That there was someone out there for me. It’s not just that I’ve fallen behind, I was always behind. I was never going to do well because people just don’t care about me. They didn’t care then, they don’t care now, they won’t care in the future.

I’m too scared at the lack of options/variables. Sure maybe I struggle to open up about myself. Even behind a screen I feel a little uncomfortable writing about how long I’ve been feeling terrible. On top of that, being alone in a terrible world. When I say I hate being alone, I don’t mean it in some emo attention seeking way, I genuinely hate not having anyone who understands me and not having anyone to talk to. I’m so angry at myself because I have tried and tried and tried. I hate it, I hate it, I hate I hate it. I had an online friend who left me. I shouldn’t still be here. People shouldn’t have lied to me.

At one point I was excited, feeling like for the first time in my life I had a friend. I even had this whole dream/fantasy of how things would turn out. Now I’m back to where I started. I feel like crying a lot. Then feeling empty. Then crying a lot again. Constantly feeling sick to my stomach all the time. I wish I was braver and more courageous, I wish I was a better friend. 

You wouldn’t let idiots control a machine.

I can exercise, or eat more, but for what? I think I’m still “ looking” for something to save me. Maybe if I eat right and exercise enough I’ll wake up one morning “fixed”. Or maybe I’ll come across a funny thing online that makes me happy. I guess it’s normal to hope that someone or something will save you when you’ve failed at trying to make it work.

I only made it this far with a dream that I am not even chasing anymore because I’m not good enough.

I’m sorry for failing. I wish someone would choose me, but I think I’m starting to understand why nobody ever does. There’s a reality check you receive that tells you to be functional in this world, and if you fail, the rest of your life will fall down, the future you once could visualize will only ever be that. It can’t be a reality because you failed and now you can’t redo anything because of whatever reason, maybe money, maybe resources, whatever it is. I’m sorry I thought I was good enough to mean something to someone. I failed as a person, I really did. Things went wrong for me years ago, and now I’m just wasting my time.

It sucks ti realize you have no choice, sometimes it’s almost as if you were not given a chance. Whenever I complained as a kid, my dad used to tell me there’s people in the world with no arms or legs. I have grown to hate people who say things like that. It’s like saying “oh look at this person who only has one arm”. There’s lots of people who don’t have a finger or hand but have friends and people who care about them. I don’t. I’d gladly lose one finger to have a fantastic life. My finger doesn’t mean that much to me. But I will say that asking for my entire arm is a little bit out of my comfort zone.

What else is there to say besides the obvious? So many people have lived with never loving and are fine with that… I’m not. I still feel bad about never having anyone to cuddle with and give my love to, and I’ll feel bad about it until I pass. I’m not supposed to still be here. I’m just so tired. I’m tired of hating myself, I’m tired of hating my life, I’m tired of being here, and most of all I’m tired of feeling like a coward. If I was more social and outgoing I would’ve made some progress my now.

I’ve been told that it’s my fault my life is like this because I don’t “ involve myself in anyone” or I “never try” or “I’m young and things will get better”. But here’s the thing, u have involved myself in things. I was never a social person and I’ve and I’ve been like that my whole life, so I never fit in anywhere. Ive tried the meds. I didn’t have any highs, just lows.i have tried, nobody listens or wants to give me what I want. It’s always the same responses over and over. I’ve reached out to sooo many people even on depression forums and I have been ignored. Nobody values me or cares about me at all. I’m almost 100% sure I could walk out to a pier and sit there all day and nobody would ask me what I was doing or talk to me at all. I’ve gone out of my way many times before to try and help people (mostly deeply depressed people) but nobody ever shows that back. I get left on read or get told “that’s rough good luck“. This is my life, a lot of people can’t relate because they have people who care about them and who would miss them. That must be really nice, too bad I’ll never know what that’s life. 

Failing at life… that’s the story of my life. I feel frozen, nothing is getting done. I’m not making any progress in my life at all and I’m really disappointed in myself. I have tried meeting up with similar “hopeless” people in my area and they ended up ignoring me. I try to make plans and people just stop responding. Everyone I reach out to ends up abandoning me. I think I’m a fairly interesting person to talk to, at least I try to be. I try being open and listening to others and I like asking people about their taste in music and dreams. I never get that same care back. I get nothing. Nobody cares enough about me to do anything.

That is why I never saw myself living to be 16. I could lay in bed all day for weeks and nobody would care. Most people have no idea how that feels and never will. Being all alone in the world is a very serious and painful experience. I just feel like nobody is truly in the same position as me, other people I’ve talked to have gotten their lives together and are happy and doing stuff. It’s not that I’m mad at them, but u don’t get why they can’t even reply even though I try to send something funny or interesting I find online, maybe people can tell that I’m desperate and that’s why they ignore me. I don’t know.

I guess I’m just sick and tired of it all. I’m sick of hoping and I’m sick of people letting me down. It hurts my heart. I would rather receive a punch to the face than silence, being ignored, or being lied to.

I recall on and off moments, when I don’t feel like I’m having my soul ache it’s something else. Either I’m disappointed in myself or wish I would have done it sooner. Wishing and hoping things will be better. I wanna hope, but I know deep down it would take a miracle to happen. I hate fakers who just want attention. The dark chaos in this world is something I’d rather not partake in. Is that where I failed? Did I just want people to like me? And suddenly I can’t find the words, maybe it was me. I’ve had to deal with seeing people all over the internet cosplaying as “depressed with social anxiety” meanwhile they are the ones always posting on social media out at clubs and partying with friends every weekend. Most people are lying for attention. People refuse to speak the truth so I just can’t trust people.