Last night: Waking up in terror filled with anxiety and regret

I woke up last night and my brain reminded me of how long I have been in this bad situation. I hate when that happens. I hate when I’m reminded of my hopeless situation. It’s bad enough being me, being here. But to be reminded of it by my subconscious mind, that’s another stress I don’t want.
I am reminded of my regret to stand up for myself, and to advocate for myself and my wellbeing. Why do I feel like I’m so far behind everyone else mentally? Is it really me that’s the problem? Or was it my unique circumstances that brought me here?
Why does everybody else receive love and attention even when they are the ones clearly in the wrong? Am I really just meant to never be happy, or loved, or cared about in any way? If that’s the case, as it seems to be, judging by my entire life, then why the hell do I still continue to be nice or compliant with anyone? I don’t think the average person would be me if they were in my situation. But again, all this circles back to me and my cluelessness on what I’m supposed to do.
This is another one of these days where I’m really wishing I was not me.

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