The sun

You know it’s a strange thing, I’ve always had a hateful relationship with the sun. I think it’s because there’s more people out in the daytime and I don’t like the idea of people looking at me or following me. I know people see me and can get the vibe I’m different. It’s just a thought that doesn’t really matter at the end.

I think I just care too much about people who don’t care about me.

This always bleeds into other things because I always cared about protecting animals and wildlife.

I guess this is a rare quality most people don’t have these days 

I feel terrible. When my symptoms get bad all I want is for someone to hold me.

But maybe I need to stop wanting that. When I have had romantic dreams, which is rarely, I wake up and feel sad. I know that no man would ever love me like that.

Because of the way my life is. Even trying to make friends is very difficult because everyone I talk to has so much more going on with their lives then me. I guess it makes people see me as disposable, so they treat me like I don't matter.

I think this is why I’ve always found the rain more peaceful.

During the daytime there are people, and they are annoying.

This world does not reward good people.

People make it hard for good people. I would know, I was the nicest child, and I had it pretty hard because kids would target me because I was so quiet.

Being alone sometimes is fine, I just wish I had at least one person. You know what I mean? What I am at my lowest moments, I have nobody. And I feel like that changes your brain or something.

I’ve already had 2 friends leave me after they got boyfriends. The truth is it really hurts me to know that most of humanity is this way.

Because of religion I thought everything in life would work out. I feel stupid when I think back to those days, the delusion, and because of that delusion I started wondering if I was cursed. Now I’m more sure of the fact people aren’t destined to do anything.

When I look at somebody else’s life, I do believe there is no such a thing as destiny. I believe people can change. When it comes to religion though, I notice a lot of people become religious later in life after they are done with their partying and everything like that. So basically when their youth is up, like we get it you hit 30 and now realize you aren’t young anymore, so what? Why do you have to morally grandstand now? I never understood this.

When you’ve met the people I have met, you’d feel the same way as me. Not that I have this deep rooted hatred for humanity, because I realize most people aren’t good. I think something should be done, but nothing ever is.

Medication wouldn’t even fix 9/10 of my problems. I think if that’s the case for others, they aren’t as empathetic to the world around them.

I’m tired of feeling ashamed of my feelings. I know I am not my thoughts. I’m just tired, tired of wondering how I can get out of this situation I am in. Nobody cares, nobody cares, nobody cares.