So many things

 There’s so many fandoms online, so many bands, so many forums and communities, so many recipes.

So here I am at 3 in the morning on TikTok. I see this recipe for roasted garlic pasta and it got me thinking.

I will never make this, it looks great but I will never make this. I can’t, I can’t go to the store and buy the special equipment and ingredients because it would cost money I don’t have. I have no aspirations and no desires anymore. So many things exist, sometimes I think about what could’ve done and who I could’ve been. 

They never listen, they ruined my life. So now I'll never have a life all because I wasn't one of the lucky ones. I'll never be married, never have kids, never succeed in any career. I’m never pretty enough, smart enough, or good enough, and I never will be.

Some people are loved and adored no matter how terrible they are.

Loneliness is so demotivating because even when I go out and do simple things, I just don’t like it because there’s nobody to share it with. I’m tired of hearing this self centered nonsense about “do it for yourself not others”. I don’t want to do something if it sounds meaningless. When I have mentioned this stuff before online nobody ever understands.

Whether I fail or succeed, it’s all just me. People can exaggerate their problems all they want and cry online for comments and attention. They will never understand the true meaning of loneliness. The feeling of thinking you have a friend, trying to make someone’s day and send them things to make them smile, just to be discarded, because you aren’t allowed to be empty and needing someone to talk to you and build you up, everyone else is and deserves that, but not you, never you.

I’ve gotten emotional before looking at old messages, people I thought liked me because they said they did. People I thought were my friends because they said they related to me.

Funny how none of this means anything to anyone.

Maybe it shouldn’t mean anything to me. Too many times I’ve tried to see the best in people.

Too many times I have looked at old photos or messages from the past and realized none of mattered to anyone. I was just someone who helped others pass their time. I was there to fill empty spaces.

I swear sometimes I wonder if there’s anything that can help me.

I have no one to share my progress with.

Imagine achieving something like money, you would want to share it with someone. You would want to have fun with someone. It’s not like I want to eat the most expensive food and go to fancy places alone.

It’s not like I have a life, I’m just surviving. 

I don’t want someone to ask me a stupid question like where do I see myself in 10 years and what are my goals, just expecting me to give stupid generic answers.

I just wish I could enjoy things like a normal person.