Lost

Lost All Hope:

It’s absolutely infuriating when people say “you have to love yourself before anyone can love you”.

I feel so guilty for everything I’ve done, and everything I’ll never do.

I hope it doesn’t end like this, with me feeling bad for everything and nothing at the same time.

Maybe I am just mad because despite how much time goes by, I’ll never be good enough.

I will never be able to hold myself together.

There’s no do-over.

I have to accept I can’t pick up the parts that are lost forever.

Incomplete:

Who are we? Who are any of but a reaction to our past experiences. People have different reactions to things based on different past experiences. People don’t understand me because they don’t know what I know and it makes me feel crazy that nobody else understands the things I do. They don’t even try.

I always used to ask myself “why me”… 

What do you think is the worst thing about yourself?

 I used to hate my looks but now I hate the fear and anxiety I have. I hate being controlled by fear. I spent so much time trying to be something, knowing I’ll never be good enough.

Anxious and regret about the past is something I still struggle with.

I really wish I knew a way to make it stop. It feels like I can’t end until I can overcome that stuff.

Not having friends or community is really all I’ve ever known. It’s been hard for me to find “my people”. Could it be that I don’t have “my people”? Or has this harsh world crushed them all and taken them away, leaving me to survive on my own?  

It used to just be sadness, but now the thought of the end brings me anxiety. I believe the reason for this is because I’ve never accomplished anything in my life.

What keeps you going?:

I wish I could say I have a more interesting life.

I don’t have hobbies or activities I enjoy.

My life has been dull and uneventful.

Maybe this is why I hate the holidays.

The weird thing is I’ve always been strangely positive, and hopefully.

I hate it when people say “just take it one day at a time”.

It’s hard for me to come to terms with the fact I’m alone.

The thing is, I’m more similar irl to how I am online. I don’t really lie about things I’ve posted, I know some people exaggerate their experiences but I haven’t. The stuff I’ve talked about is unfortunately the truth. I don’t have anybody to help me out of this situation I’m in. It feels like never ending hell I’m trapped in with no escape. It’s like being in a cave that got buried with rocks that finally caved in.

I always felt like I wasn’t asking for much in life, but as time goes on I get worse and my hope rots away and makes me mentally in a lower place.

I’m pretty good at not letting my emotions affect people around me.

When I was a child I was told “there’s children who have it worse than you, children who have no food, no arms, no legs, etc”.

I acknowledge my situation might be better than some. Telling me how bad others have it doesn’t make me feel better though it makes me feel worse.

I always thought what I wanted in life was quite simple, if I only could have that, a normal life, a good normal life, damn, what I could’ve achieved.

But I’m not lucky, a normal life wasn’t made for me, or maybe it’s me, maybe I’m not made for it.

I used to feel satisfaction with helping others, but slowly that’s been crushed and thrown away.

I ask myself “what keeps you going”. It’s difficult to come to terms with it. I’ve really wanted to disappear but then I told myself I should proper equipment before doing something stupid and scary.

Maybe I just have an inferiority complex.

There was a time when I would’ve joined a cult:

People lie way too much. People love to portray themselves as "friendless" online, but in reality that's rarely ever the case. 

On one social media someone might try to portray that way, and on another is out partying every weekend with friends. Everything I've posted about my situation is true so I’m really bummed about all these people who I’ve talked with who lied to me. There was a time I would have joined a cult, anything to just have a community and people who would at least pretend to care about me.

But I realized none of them would want me, I have no money. In their eyes I have zero value.

That explains basically my whole school experience. I would sit there, learning nothing, go home. I know my mom must regret having me, of course she does. I can barely do anything. I’ve had times where I was in bed for days. I barely ate because I didn’t want to cook and clean up. Everything is too difficult, why can’t someone just make decisions for me? What am I supposed to do? I can’t do anything the right way so why can’t someone help me?

Forgetting:

Sometimes i wonder if forgetting my past would fix me, or if i'd end back up in the same place again.

I am smiling no more. Being lonely is one of the things that brought me here. I struggle with just talking to people, nobody will ever choose me and it's because they see what i am, a loser. I thought about making a video about my situation on tiktok but I'm so scared of speaking about it for some reason. It's hard, but it's refreshing to see pretty women dealing with being alone as well. I still feel lesser than them because i don't have friends either.

I stopped going out because i hate seeing couples and happy people. Being alone is something i've always experienced, i feel like a failure. And the thing is it hurts because i really would love to have a family but that will never happen, why cant i just accept defeat...

For years I've seen posts like this: a picture/video of a guy smiling/laughing with the caption "This father of 3 is seen smiling on vacation with his friends in Hawaii ended his life!!!! This is what depression looks like !!!!".. No it doesn't! I am so livid it makes me want to scream cry.

Seasonal Depression:

When I’m angry I think about the moon. I used to love going outside at night and looking at the moon. I prefer the night over the day, I prefer the winter over the summer. The only thing that bothers me about the cold is not having someone to cuddle with, along with seeing people online talk about “seasonal”. You know those people who are only sad because they aren’t getting any vitamin D. It’s so annoying to hear that someone can just take some vitamins or vacation in a warm area and be fine. Meanwhile here I am, not able to go places others go, just staring at the moon over the sea 🌙 

A silent voice:

I have no true friends so I ended up isolating myself and giving up for a while. It's rough out here when you have nobody. Then when I go online on social media, i see people claiming they are depressed and have no friends and then weekend after weekend posting photos out partying, it's just so cruel and hurtful. I've struggled with toaster bathtub thoughts since I was 11, they come and go. But at times this was a daily struggle for me. I just want to experience a normal life for once you know? Just so I know what it's like, because I have no reference. Im not saying this as a complaint about Gen-Z, social media is needed for certain people. I first went on social media at 11. I don't know what I would've done without it. I don't have any friends so following weird people on YouTube was the best I could get. I’m not sure what I would've done if I was born in a different time. I could see myself as a cowgirl. One of my childhood Disney movies I loved is called Holes, this is one of my favorites scenes. The blonde woman ended her life because the man she loved was murdered. I've never felt love before, yet I relate a lot to this scene. The money wasn't enough to fill the emptiness inside. It reminds me of people online who say they wouldn't feel lonely and their lives would be complete if they just won the lottery. It makes me think back to this movie. I feel like I missed out on a lot of normal life experiences, and I worry I will never be able to make up those lost moments. Sometimes I have felt like I deserved a relationship, but I wouldn’t want to burden anyone, which apparently is something I do, because everyone makes me feel this way.